things have been really turning up lately :) just seems like everything falls into place over time. me and nick are still together, and obviously, i know this is gonna work because we've fought through so much bullshit together.. and lately its only been getting better :) so thats really really good. he's also being way more chill while i'm out with my friends.
another thing that's been going well is weight loss :) i've been exercising more and eating less, thus losing a little bit of weight here and there. and i'm starting to tell the difference in the mirror. generally, i feel prettier and more confident :) shopping has been SUPERB; finding crazy hippie/vintage finds for way cheap! all i need are a pair of wedges, black platforms, black leather boots, gladiators, and random pumps... i have no shoes.
but yeah, i'm also getting out of long beach for this semester, right when i started getting really close to my good friend jessica :( so thats unfortunate... but i get to hang out with my best friends a lot more once i go to elco. i'm really planning on working on myself this year; once i start driving, i'm gonna get a new job, hopefully a modeling gig, sign up for a casting agency, learn how to play a new instrument, get my cosmetology license, pursue my fashion merchandising major, and sign up for a gym.
but before all those dramatic changes, me and jessica are going to get our hair done at Aveda Vicara this Monday and we're both getting our hair lightened. i'm thinking of a dark ash blonde color with blonde panels and darker brown lowlights. soooo i'm really excited for that :)
It's ridiculous that no matter how confident I might appear to be, I still don't know who I am. At least I have the balls to say that. I miss the old me. For some reason I feel like I'm getting unhealthier as the days pass; I seem to be losing interest, drive, determination, friends, hair, money... and every day feels like the one before. I feel dead. I feel lonely. I feel uninteresting and unfunny. I wish to be more than who I think I am. But I know this is just a phase, I need to keep my head up and continue to do good things for myself and for those I care about. Lately, it seems like I've been losing touch with who I am and who my friends are and my purpose in life. I feel useless and tame. I'm a natural wildchild and I've never felt so dull in my life.
I can't believe this is where I am in my life. I would have never thought I'd be so severely interested in drugs and seeking approval from others. Since when was this WHO I AM?! I need to get the fuck over myself. This is not you. You used to not give a fuck about what anyone said! I need to remind myself to constantly stay true to myself; to live abundantly and grow in peace, love, and intelligence. There's always a lesson in every moment.
Read books to each other. Read the mind of the other. Flew one thousand. We laughed and we cried at movies and real life in our ridiculous beds. We danced in the moonlight at midnight. We pressed against back doors and wooden floors, and you never faked it. And frequently we ignored our love but we could never mistake it. We met on the front porch. Fell in love on the phone without the physical wreck. You gave me the necklace that used to hang around your mothers neck. We questioned religions, fed bread to the pigeons. We learned how to pray. We stood by the ocean. Turned our hearts in to one. We laid in bed all day.
We skipped on the sidewalk - skipped stones on the water. We skipped town. We’ve seen the sunrise with new eyes. We’ve seen the damage of gossip and true lies. We’ve seen the sun go down. Had passionate makeouts, and passionate freakouts. We built this world of our own.
It was in the back of a taxi when you told me you loved me, and that I wasnt alone.
